A Father’s Day message from Eli

Hola Happy Father’s Day. Maybe I realized something this morning. There weren’t a lot of dads I could call today to wish them literally, a Happy Father’s Day, because they, most of them, have missed the mark, and you can see it in the results of their kids. Holy cow. So I wrote a chapter, chapter 32 I’m up to 32 and I wrote a chapter about the Father wound, the wounding that the father figure can do to a child, whether they’re boys or girls. And it just goes on and on and on and on and on. So the name The chapter is the many long term effects of the Father wound. I’m going to read you the first paragraph and then kind of flush it out a little bit. One of the most common problems for many people is the father wound. I’ve witnessed this, the results of this in my practice of both men and women for many decades, the presence of a healthy father figure is so undervalued these days, I believe, because we have gotten so accustomed to not having it so sad, right, the wounds and scars have been passed on from one generation to the next for so long that we no longer recognize its damaging effect on ourselves. These effects can be poor self worth, anger issues and bullying, insecurity and lack of safety in the world, addictions of all kinds, destructive relationships and feelings of abandonment and trust issues, to name some of the symptoms created by poor fathering. I personally suffer greatly as a child and young adult from having an abusive, alcoholic father who never said the words, I love you. Sure. He went to work every day, provided for the family, but when he was home, he really gave my brother and I any real attention unless we did something wrong, which we frequently did to get his attention, he was emotionally unavailable, which made me feel abandoned and alone much of the time, in some weird way, me and my twin brother filled the void for one another, but was just Band Aid therapy for both of us, we needed a father who was always there and had our backs by supporting us and making us feel safe. I believe my early anger issues were a result of the Father wound because of my insecurity and lack of feeling safe in the world. In this chapter, I hope to elucidate many of the long term effects we suffer because of our our father did not fulfill his duties. As I discovered, these effects don’t disappear unless we turn around and face them. So if you’ve got some of these symptoms, and there’s many more, but those are the big ones. There’s a good chance you have a father wound. That’s why we celebrate Father’s Day, you know, the third Sunday in June. But I’m not a big fan of that. I don’t know how many dads, you know? I know, I don’t know a lot that we should be celebrating. Yeah, they were a father. Yeah, they provided the sperm to create a child. But were you really a father? Unfortunately, this is generational, and this amazing book I’m reading about breaking the cycle of the Father wound, the author elucidated, the last 100 years, we’ve gone down the rabbit hole. We’ve gotten out of rural fathering to urban fathering, where dads are gone all the time, working many hours. So when dad comes home, if he’s not drinking, he’s just sitting there watching TV and doing nothing, not paying attention the kids playing with the kids, giving them the attention. The biggest thing that fathers can give the child is acceptance and approval. And unfortunately, many people don’t get that, and they seek it for the rest of their lives by people pleasing, selling themselves short, selling themselves out, putting up with terrible relationships. So I think, for me anyway, this whole thing about celebrating Father’s Day is kind of silly in some ways, because we you know, just because you’re a father doesn’t mean you get celebrated. Yeah, that was easy. You had sex with a woman. You got her pregnant. What were you really a father that the child needed, whether they’re males or females, and this problem is not going away, whether it’s in America or other countries, but I’m more aware of what’s happening in this country. I see it all the times in my practice, like I said, people come in and they don’t identify the father wound. They don’t even know it’s there, until I start delving into some issues and say, Well, you got screwed. Uh, you know when, when we do sporting events or events at school, and that when the mom shows up at the event, oh yeah, mom’s here, but when Daddy shows up, it’s like, oh, daddy’s here. It brings something to that child that the mother can’t do and mother can never do, because it’s his approval and attention and acceptance, and if we could get that so, if you had a poor fathering role model and nothing you can do about it, what I had to do was grieve mine, let it go. I came to realize I was looking for something. My I better chance seeing pigs flying out here than my father being the father that I needed, that I started doing my healing work, my grief work, accepting that and then filling in the core issues that my father couldn’t do, like feeling safe. I don’t get use my puffer fish to get angry anymore. Okay, because I feel pretty safe in the world. I have good self worth. I have good self esteem, but I’ve had to work on that, because dad missed the target quite nicely with that abandonment issues, you know, I would have that in relationships. Now, it’s like, I don’t care, but you gotta do the work, because if you don’t do the work, boys and girls, you’re just going to pass it down and for you women out there picking these men. Oh, my God, God help us. And you don’t heal your father wound, there’s a probably a 97% chance you’re going to bring in the same type of fathering for your kids that you got father. And it’s all done unconsciously. You’re not aware of it. So maybe it’s time we start reading some stuff about the father’s womb. If you’re interested in this chapter, I shared that author that wrote that amazing book, and there’s other stuff out there, but here we are today, celebrating Father’s Day. And I can’t say there’s a lot of fathers I can celebrate. Fact, I think I know too. I know a lot of guys that really were there available. That’s sad. I know a lot of men, even in my practice, maybe, maybe a few. It’s just heartbreaking to see it. But it goes on generation after generation until somebody finds finally turns around faces the issue, does the healing work and starts picking better. Or if you decide to be a father, be the father that you wish you would have had. And, you know, the mirror neurons take over. Unfortunately, those damn mirror neurons, they memorize everything. So if you had really healthy fathering you, you know you you’ve got a good chance of raising healthy kids, kids that not don’t feel abandoned, have trust issues, have relationship issues, but for most of us, we downloaded that. That’s why, when I was in my late teens, I made a conscious decision not to have kids, because at some level, I knew I would have been a horrible dad unless I did my healing work, and the really deep work didn’t start until my 30s. So I would have had kids in my 20s. God help them, right? So I just wanted to throw this out through today. I know this could trigger some of you, if you’re males, and you’re saying I’m a father, but are you really the father that your kids need? Are you there all the time? Are you there consistently? Are you there supporting them, accepting them, approving of them, making them feel special, making them feel safe, making them not have abandonment and trust issues? Cuz if you’re not doing that, you’re not doing your job. Guys. Alright, God bless you. Pay attention. I’ll be doing more on this, this subject, it’s kind of in my wheelhouse. The last month, I’ve been really looking into this and probably going to be doing some psychodrama work to help people work through this stuff like I did. I did a lot of work seven years on that platform of healing stuff with my dad, my mom, but especially my daddy’s stuff. Enjoy your day. Northwest Indiana, 890, degrees Sunny. Have fun at the barbecue. God bless you.