Let’s break those projectors!

work, people, project, projections, relationships, warts, therapist, abusive alcoholic, chapter, cope, dad, call, daddy, eventually, dug, married, guru, early, pedestal

Eli discusses the concept of projections in relationships, emphasizing how people often project their own biases and desires onto others, particularly in romantic contexts. He highlights the dangers of this behavior, especially in marriages, where unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment. Eli explains that these projections are often rooted in childhood experiences with parents and can influence adult relationships, leading individuals to seek partners who mirror their past. He stresses the importance of recognizing and addressing these projections to avoid being blinded by them. Eli also advocates for seeking unbiased perspectives from trusted individuals to gain a clearer view of potential partners.

Projecting onto Others: An Introduction

• Eli begins by discussing his physical appearance, mentioning his beard and the reason behind growing it.
• He transitions to the topic of the day: projections in relationships and how they affect us.
• Eli explains that people often project their own biases and expectations onto others, especially in relationships.
• He emphasizes the dangers of projections, particularly in marriages, where unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment.

Childhood Influences on Projections

• Eli discusses how childhood experiences with parents shape our ability to project onto others.
• He provides an example of a child coping with an abusive parent by projecting a more favorable image.
• This coping mechanism carries into adulthood, influencing how we perceive and interact with significant others.
• Eli shares his own experience of dating women who reminded him of his mother, which he had to unlearn with the help of a therapist.

The Role of Needs and Desires in Projections

• Eli explains that our needs and desires drive us to project certain qualities onto others.
• He mentions that people often project the qualities they lacked in their childhood onto their partners.
• Eli highlights the importance of recognizing these projections to avoid unhealthy relationships.
• He shares a case of a client whose significant other is controlling, and the challenge of breaking through their projections.

The Impact of Projections on Relationships

• Eli discusses how projections can lead to unrealistic expectations in relationships.
• He uses the example of a cheating spouse to illustrate how projections can blind us to reality.
• Eli emphasizes the need to see people as they are, rather than as our projections.
• He mentions the role of narcissists and other manipulative individuals in exploiting our projections.

The Importance of Trust and Clear Perspective

• Eli advises finding a trusted person to get an unbiased perspective on potential relationships.
• He shares that his brother Tim has been a valuable projector breaker for him.
• Eli stresses the importance of emotional detachment in evaluating relationships.
• He acknowledges that even therapists can be influenced by their emotions and need to remain objective.

Case Studies and Personal Experiences

• Eli shares a case of a client who married men similar to her abusive father.
• He explains how psychodrama work helped her understand and break free from these patterns.
• Eli reflects on his own experience with psychodrama and the importance of accepting difficult truths about family members.
• He invites listeners to reach out to him for help with projections, emphasizing the destructive nature of these patterns.

Conclusion and Call to Action

• Eli concludes by reiterating the dangers of projections and their impact on relationships.
• He encourages listeners to seek help from a therapist or trusted person to break free from projections.
• Eli expresses his passion for working with projectors and helping them dismantle their projections.
• He signs off with a note of love and blessings for his audience.

Hola, happy Thursday. What a lovely day. The Tree of Life is looking healthy, little thin up there. I like the top of my head. So the beard is coming in nicely. I’m beginning people trying to figure out why I’m growing it. And I told them, I have no idea. I was just told to quit shaving by something. You know how that works, the downloads of that so, but I’m kind of digging it. I get to pet my face. So I just finished a couple of chapters. One was on why is it so hard to use the N word no? Really, really good chapter. It’s about assertiveness and boundaries. But then I did a chapter on projections, and that’s what I want to talk a little bit about today. Sitting in that therapist chair for 44, plus years now, I am never, never shocked by the amount of projecting we do in our relationships with family, friends, etc, etc. It’s like, you know, like, how you see me? Now, if you don’t know me, you’re going to project something onto me. You know, he’s a good guy, he’s an idiot, he’s mean, whatever it is, but you don’t know me. So why the hell do we project onto people? And where this gets really, really, really dangerous is in relationships, especially marriages, because you meet somebody and you project all this stuff on them, that’s not true, and then you start dating them, and eventually get married, and then, holy cow, when the projections die down, you see reality as it is, and you’re going, what the heck did I do? A lot of where this comes from is in our childhoods, we project a lot under our parents, especially if they’re not the nicest people in the world. So we got kids, that’s how we cope. We got to see them a certain way in order to deal with them. So as a say, six year old my let’s say my dad’s an abusive alcoholic and or a child molester or something. Well, who wants, who wants to, who wants to accept that, wants to see their parent like that. So we start early, projecting onto them and minimizing the warts that they have. Okay? So we got through our childhoods. The problem is when we start connecting with people or dating in that that same mechanism is in play, because we learned it early to cope. And I can’t tell you how many people I’ve worked with. I got five handfuls now people, they’re in relationships that I don’t think are good for them, but they’re seeing what I don’t see now, what I try to do is see reality as it is. Right focus. I call it okay. When I work with clients, I purposely say to myself, this one’s insecure, this one’s private alcoholic in that, that way I don’t get blinded by projecting anything onto them. Okay? And I’ve been guilty of that, so don’t think I’m, you know, immune to this one, especially when I was younger. A lot of the women I was were dating were just like Dear mom. I think thankfully, I found a really good therapist in my early 20s that kind of slapped me out of that trance. Part of the reason we do that is our needs, our desires, our wants. I’ve gotta see you this way. Okay, I gotta see you as caring and loving me, because you didn’t get it growing up. And so this person shows up like a projection screen, and you’re just sitting there like a movie projector, projecting all kinds of stuff onto them. It ain’t true, and you’re going to figure that out sooner or later. I’ve got a guy that I’m working with now, his significant other is really controlling, okay? And I’m trying to break through his projections, because I know what’s coming for him. Will it work? I don’t know, but I feel like I’m wrestling with them all the time, okay, and not, you know, the problem is, people, most people, aren’t all bad. So they do have good qualities. We all have good qualities, you know, Hitler liked dogs and a LeBron, so he did have that, but he was a monster in many other ways. And we see this in politics. We see with athletes, leaders, gurus. You know, that’s why, when people start to put me up on a pedestal, hell no, don’t. Do that okay, because they’re needing me to be a certain way. I’m going to break their hearts eventually, because the real me’s going to be there. It’s going to come out eventually. And what do you see it? It’s kind of like I’m a bit of a jokester, and I have I like to have fun and joke around in that. Well, if you see me as this really holy guru in that, then all of a sudden I’m being silly in that, doing something. It’s like that cognitive dissonance, they call it. Why is he doing that? Well, because you didn’t see me. I’ve got that plate playfulness in there, that inner child stuff. And I see this as this in marriages so often. You know, it’s amazing what we can project for a while and deny what’s there. Okay, cheating spouse, a really messed up spouse, that that’s not real functional on that. But we put them up on that pedestal because, number one, we don’t want to see them for who they are, which I recommend we do, or we may have to make a decision to say, sorry I screwed up. You weren’t who I thought you were. The other part of this equation is the people that play games like narcissists or professionals at this they will figure out what you’re needing, and do it say it acted to seduce you. It’s kind of like a spell gets put over you, but eventually the cracks and warts are going to show, and then you’re going to go, oh my god, what the heck did I do? You know, I got a family member just got out of one of those relationships, and so delusional, and I saw it early, but, you know, nobody listens to me, and that’s the problem. Until they can see it, they get their wake up call, you know, hit over the head or something, the asteroid, as I like to call it, you might as well be arguing with a frog. Okay, you’re not a frog. Yes, I am. Projections. Are powerful, okay? And again, it is good for coping when we’re kids, but not as adults. And you see this all. I know you guys know what I’m talking about. You see this in relationships and that you’re sitting over there scratching your head. Say, why is she with him? Or why is he with her? Because they don’t see what you see. You know, what I recommended in the chapter is find your person, somebody that you trust, you respect and value. So if you’re considering getting into this relationship or work for this person in that find somebody that’s got a different perspective, a clearer one, because they’re not projecting, they don’t need to project on that person. And then ask them, What do you think my brother, Tim, has been a really good projector breaker for me for years, because he’s he’s really he sees things pretty clearly now. Can he get blind? Yeah, we all can do it if we’re not emotionally involved, we got a better chance of standing back more objectively, like I do as a therapist. But if you’re emotionally involved in it, you’re screwed. You could be screwing yourself. And you guys know this. I mean, I’m sure every one of you, a friend, a co worker, that, and you know, you’re seeing this, and it’s really that, but that need to have them be a certain way. You know, so often the some of the women I work with, they their daddy didn’t love them. They got severe daddy wounds. So this guy’s going to love me and treat me the way my daddy did. Now, is any of this conscious? Heck no, it’s all subconsciously done, and the body remembers everything you get to get that. How many people end up marrying one of their parents without knowing it? You know, I shared in the paragraph I worked with the lady, Oh Goddess, 20 years ago. So she was married four times. All four men were drugs and all four beater. What are the odds of finding that at the age of 44 she’s pretty good at finding that. Well, as I dug deeper into her history, her daddy was a drunk, and he beat her mom and her sometimes. So somehow she was looking for the same thing, not the beating and the alcoholism, but he was similar to dad, and she was hoping he would, they would give her what he she didn’t get from her dad. Well, once she did one cycle drama, a lot of that cleared up, and that’s why I’m such a fan of psychodrama work, because when you go back in time and we set it up really well, you’re going to see them for the people they were, not the ones you wanted them to be.